It has been a while since I’ve dated – like, real dating, as in going on first dates, having small talks, and then, eventually, leading to second dates. My last relationship was with a close friend that slowly turned into us dating. We didn’t have the first date or small talk stages. Since I posted about moving forward, I thought about bringing back my Dates with Demi series.
Dates with Demi
If you’re new around here, back in college, I started Dates with Demi, a series that I wrote about the first dates I went on – both good and bad. The series was so much fun for me to write, and even though I didn’t write about many dates, the posts performed well, so it was great to see people reading them.
I stopped Dates with Demi because I had a date ask if I was going to write about him. I did end up writing about him and it wasn’t good, ha. Since then, I stopped Dates with Demi because I was nervous that guys didn’t want to go on dates with me if they knew I might write about them!
A friend told me that if any guy is too hesitant to date me because of my series, then he is most likely not the one! It was only if he did something stupid that gave me a reason to write about it. Now looking back, my friend was not wrong at all.
I still ended up putting the series on pause because I didn’t have many first dates that were worth mentioning – most of them because we didn’t ‘click’ or there wasn’t any real interest.
Since being single again, I thought about bringing the series back, but I have a love and hate relationship with dating. I love the process of getting ready for a date – taking a shower, doing my hair and makeup, wearing a cute outfit, and then recapping with my girlfriends. One of my favorite parts of dating is getting that feeling in your stomach; aka butterflies! However, on the flip side of things, I don’t enjoy the feeling of waiting for him to text me back after the first date or waiting for him to respond. Plus all the anxiousness you feel while getting to know someone!
Finding Our Future Husbands
You might have seen on Instagram a series my friends and I had about “finding our future husbands.” Whenever we went out together, we would take a quick Instagram story and write something along the lines of, “Day 4 of Finding Our Future Husband: at a Baseball Game.” I had several people reach out and ask me, “Why are you in a rush to find someone?! You’re so young. Enjoy being single!”
To clear everything up, it was a joke with my friends! We weren’t specifically going to these places to look for someone. For example, planning on hanging out one day, we went to a crawfish restaurant for dinner – probably not the most ideal place to find a potential candidate, ha – and decided to also have fun with it by making it into a series!
Whatever Happens, Happens
With where I am in life, I’m not actively seeking out relationships. Currently, I’m enjoying every moment that life has to offer. Whatever happens, happens.
While I’m not actively looking, I like to think about the qualities I want in a future partner. For example, my future husband isn’t on dating apps, which is why I’m not on dating apps. I also know my future husband isn’t going out to the bars or clubs looking for someone, so I won’t be finding him there, either. Lastly, he’ll be adventurous like me! He will love to try new things and travel to new places. Being able to take some time for myself helps me reflect on the type of person I want to spend forever with.
Reflecting on Previous Relationships
In the past few months, I reflected on all my relationships, from my first “boyfriend” in middle school to my most recent relationship. I asked myself the following questions:
- Why did I like this person?
- How did he make me feel in the relationship?
- How did I make him feel in the relationship?
- What did he fall short on?
- What did I fall short on?
- How did the relationship end?
It’s not easy looking back and acknowledging what I did wrong and what I could have done better. However, it made me realize that there have been several relationships that I should have ended sooner but chose to stay in because I feared being alone.
Being alone is scary, but I think once you’ve accepted who you are as a person and are constantly looking for ways to improve yourself, it’s not terrible! I’ve slowly accepted who I am – both the good and the bad – and it has made me okay with being by myself. As George Washington said, “It’s better to be alone than in bad company.”
Scared of Dating
One of the main reasons why I’m letting dating happen naturally is that, quite frankly, I’m scared of dating. I went on a date that was going quite well, but the more I thought about potentially continuing to date him, the more scared I was. Scared of getting close to him and letting him into my life.
Dating is supposed to be fun and lighthearted. When it comes to dating, I live by the quote, “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Dating helps you discover more about yourself by showing you what you like and don’t like in a person.
It took a lot of time to dig deep and realize that the reason why I’m scared is that I’ve been in several relationships where my partner was horribly mean to me. There have been instances of yelling, name-calling, and making me feel like I’m overreacting. These are things I don’t believe should happen in a relationship when you truly love someone. I don’t ever want to put myself through another similar situation. I’ll leave in a heartbeat if that ever happens again.
When you go through something as traumatic as being verbally or emotionally abused, it makes you question if you deserve to be loved or in a relationship. When I find myself questioning things like this, I remind myself that it’s not me that’s the issue. To further explain, I have an ex-boyfriend who’s still reaching out to me – even more than a year after the breakup. Crazy! This goes to show that he’s the one with problems, yet still trying to blame everything on me.
I think it’s so important to reflect on relationships. I know where I fell short, which is not easy to admit or accept, but when you do, it makes you feel so much better and more confident moving forward in your next relationship.
When someone truly loves you, he or she will love all parts of you. You can’t pick and choose what you love in a person. You’ll love all of him or her. I’m lucky to have friends in my life that are in healthy, loving relationships because it shows me what I want in a partner.
I want someone who I can sit in silence with and simply appreciate the moments we have together. Someone who shares the same values and morals, not just common interests. To me, it’s all about the little things that add to the big picture.
Insecure about Dating
One of the most recent insecurities I’ve developed is dating. By this, I don’t mean being insecure in a relationship; rather, telling people I’m dating. It’s no secret that I’ve dated a lot – there’s a difference between dating and sleeping around. I want to note that while I have nothing against people sleeping around, it’s not for me! By dating, I mean having boyfriends and being in relationships. I’ve heard several extended family members say that I change boyfriends as often as I change clothes. I shouldn’t have to defend myself, especially when I’ve had relationships that have lasted for several years. I’ve also overheard conversations with my aunts asking, “is Demi still dating that boy?” and my mom responds, “Which one?”
Oh, family gossip… What can you do about it? Ha.
I’ve talked to my girlfriends about my new insecurity, and while I shouldn’t care what other people think, that’s easier said than done! Dating should be expected at my age and finding the right one (after one or two relationships) is pretty rare. I try not to let it get to me since it’s a generational and cultural difference, too.
I find that my parent’s generation believes you should marry a good person who has a stable job and treats you well – it doesn’t necessarily matter whether or not you love him or her. Seeing, first-hand, the differences between marrying someone for the sake of it versus marrying someone you truly love makes me want to marry someone I love.
There’s no cookie-cutter way to live life. While some are okay with marrying for the sake of being with someone, I choose to be in love with the person I’m going to spend forever with. I want to come home excited to see the person I’m with. I want to be super old and wrinkly and still hold my husband’s hand while grocery shopping. At the end of the day, life is about living and learning and this is how I want to live my life.
My Dating Life
There have been a few dates I’ve been on that happened organically and maybe someday I’ll share them here. Over the years, you’ve seen quite a few boyfriends on this blog, but, for now, seeing how much I share my life on here, I think I’ll be keeping my dating life private… Well, maybe!
Dating is so exciting! I hope the next person I introduce on my blog will be the person I love wholeheartedly. Even if the next boyfriend isn’t the one, I know there will be things I can take away from the relationship.
Thank you for reading this heartfelt post. I hope those who are looking for their person will find him or her someday!
I’m so excited for your new journey- it can be scary and intimidating to start over on the dating scene, but there’s also a lot of opportunity there. And butterflies with a new person are so real! I think you’re navigating it with a smart approach- and I can’t wait to read Dates with Demi now that the series is back!
I think you have a good approach and mindset to dating! Best of luck and have fun!
Eileen | yesmissy.com
Allie mackin says
Ah yes dating and relationships are so complicated. Nice when they are light hearted but this does not happen very often. So cool that you are documenting it all. Kind of like Carrie in SITC. I wish you luck and excited to follow along!
Laura Bambrick says
You have a great perspective on all of this. I wish you the best of luck in finding your soulmate!
I enjoyed reading this. Finding the right partner is really important. I met my husband when we were little. of course at that point we didn’t know we would get married. We were friends up till when we got to the university and lost contact when i moved to another country and deleted my Facebook account. but after University i came back home working and we ran into each other on my way back from work. We knew instantly that we were meant to be with each other. 2 months after meeting we got married and it has been amazing.
I wish you luck in finding the perfect one for you.
Annies Food Diary
Loved reading this. I wish you luck in finding a worthy partner.
I really enjoyed this post Demi! I was extremely lucky in life and met my husband when I was 17, we married at 19, which was 35 years ago now, even back then 19 was considered young, which it was. I have no regrets about marrying young, it worked out and he is my soulmate. Sadly, three years ago he passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. I feel blessed that I did marry young now. You will find your would soulmate when the time is right! Have fun! xx
Demi Bang says
Thank you for reading, Janet! I’m so sorry to hear that he passed away so suddenly and unexpectedly. Life is so unfair. How did you and your husband meet? Sounds like a beautiful love story to have met at 17!
Thank you Demi. My husband and I were destined to meet, my Dad actually met my husband, Paul, first at a department store. He came home when I was 15 talking about a nice Scottish boy at the record bar. Then Paul’s friends moved into our unit when we moved out, he was meant to come down to see the unit with them. Then we finally met at a bar two years later, my best friend told a guy she was interested in where we were going that night, and he asked his friends if they wanted to come. It was destiny! Thank you for asking xx
This is so inspiring, Demi! I can’t believe that your ex is still reaching out to you, crazy! Glad you realized he was a horrible person and you deserve someone that’s so much better. Love xx
Demi Bang says
Thanks for reading, Tara! Appreciate your kind words and good riddance, right? Ha!