Lately, I’ve been drawing a blank. I tend to start new posts. Write 2 or 3 paragraphs, then save them for another day to wrap it up. When I go back to reading the post, I’m just like, “Oh no. This is way too personal to share”. So who knows, if you’re reading this, then this blog post for sure somehow made the cut!

I swear, around this time of year is when I always hit rock bottom. Nothing ever feels stable. My career choice fluctuates probably every other week, but for once in my life, I’m more confused than ever. Pretty much majority of my friends are graduating and finishing up their Masters or Bachelors, and I just finished my second year of undergrad. Just listening to their struggles stresses me out even more for the real world. Yes, my job pays for my rent and my ability to be independent. I shouldn’t have to stress out too much, right? Worse case scenario, I just work as a nail technician full time for the rest of my life. I’ll probably never be homeless with my esthetician or nail license. I have set skills that I know I can easily find a job in the beauty industry. Right?

Sometimes I feel like, what if I don’t make as much as I can currently as a nail technician? What if I go into the real world and realize that my career pays less than being a nail tech? Do I stop? Do I switch to doing nails full time? Things like this make me think, did my mom move to America for me to have a better life just so I can have the same job she has?

Am I making sense out there? If I’m going to school for a bachelor in Mathematics and Communication just so I can have the same job as my mom who didn’t go to a 4-year university, is it even worth it? It’s a first world problem. I know.

This semester, I was taking 18 credits, 2 internships, working 14 hours a week, volunteering, and then on top of that, I have my blog and modeling gigs. Okay, so you’re probably just thinking to yourself, “Wow Demi. You just love bragging how much you’re doing, don’t you?” I mean, I guess. My point is, I’m just tired, dead, and exhausted.

Sometimes I’m lost on what I want to do with my life. I know I want to work in the Public Relations field, whether it be social media management or content curation, or I don’t know. I love socializing, I love meeting new people, and I just freakin’ love hearing people’s stories. One thing I love talking to new people is that you don’t know their story. You don’t know where they’ve been or who exactly they are.

While I’m composing this blog post, I’m just smiling to myself thinking “wow I’m so philosophical” but I’m merely scraping the surface. Hahaha. I don’t know what is going on. When you begin to think you have everything figured out, then it starts crumbling beneath you. I don’t exactly know what I’m trying to get at exactly. Sometimes, I wish I just started my blog with a pseudonym and write personal blog posts that no one will ever know it’s from me.

No one likes the feeling of losing. Whether it is a game or even perhaps someone. You begin thinking to yourself and thinking all of those things that you’ve put so much into the relationship. It feels as if all the effort and time you’ve put in a relationship for it to end so abruptly just makes it feels like it’s a waste. Whatever. Here’s to a new beginning

Now that school is over and volunteer is coming to an end, one of my internships also ended. I feel kind of empty. Empty in a sense that I don’t know what’s going to happen. This is the first summer where I don’t have anything to do. Last summer, I was working full time and had two internships. This summer, I don’t know. I guess I can work full time now but that seems so boring. I want to go travel and explore. Maybe I’ll book my first plane ticket and just go.

That’s how I feel right now. Thanks for listening to my random thoughts. Read my other personal blog posts here.