It’s been a while since I’ve sat down and simply write. I’ve been feeling very insecure about my writing – English wasn’t my first language and I know I struggle a lot with grammar and pronunciation – good thing there’s no audio to my blog, haha. My blog began as a photo dump where I shared my modeling portfolio. Slowly, I started posting essays that I wrote for my classes and then shifted towards personal content about my past relationships.
If I’m being honest, I feel like my blog this past year has lacked depth. It lacks vulnerability.
When I look back at the content I created in 2017/2018, there were just so many raw emotions. I talked about one of my past relationships and how it ended, and that relationship hit me hard. During the last three months, I was in denial the relationship was coming to an end. Instead of accepting what was happening, I kept going around in this cycle of constantly crying and begging.
After that relationship, I was a bit more reserved.
I wrote several Dates with Demi and slowly introduced my next boyfriend. Unfortunately, that relationship didn’t last very long and I hated talking about how it ended. To a certain extent, I felt embarrassed. I was embarrassed about how it ended and everything that I wrote about him. The split was a great learning lesson for me and hopefully, someday I will be able to share more about it.
As you can probably tell, one of my favorite things to write about is love and past relationships (I’m not sure how Tyler feels about it, haha). I can write pages upon pages about my past relationships. The only problem is – it doesn’t pertain only to myself. I still respect everyone that I’ve had a relationship with and I’d feel bad if I was badmouthing them.
There were both good and bad moments.
It’s hard to share my past relationships because I know that I’m not perfect. I know that I wasn’t the best girlfriend and sometimes I can be a bit irrational.
I want to share more of myself but I feel like I’ve built a wall this past year.
As the number of my blog visitors increases, the more reserved I feel. I begin to second guess myself and the content I write. There are so many vulnerable posts saved in my draft folder that I’m not sure if I’ll ever hit publish. Some of these posts were written fueled with resentment and sadness.
While I currently have no plans to publish them, it was a great way for me to release my emotions.
For now, I’ll take it one step at a time and try to open up a bit more on my blog.